Ugh

Lately, it feels like everything is falling apart.
Well, withing the past few hours everything has seem to gone downhill. My relationship had a really rough patch last month, and everything it finally getting better. We've been the best we've ever been (or so I think so) and I'm happy and looking forward to our future. But now, I'm not so sure how he feels about what's happening. I'm trying my hardest to be calm and patient and understanding and a better girlfriend. I've become less critical and ridiculous and patient, I know I have, I see it and other people see it. I've changed a lot and I will keep on changing, no matter what. I will always be changing for the better. However, I feel as if he doesn't see any improvement, or change and never will. I feel as if I'll always be a bad person in his eye and that breaks my heart. I just want to make him happy and for us to be happy. (So if you're reading this Pup, and there is anything I can do, just tell me)
Also, school is bad. I have no motivation and I feel like I'm just failing all my classes. It's so boring and horrible and the teacher are close minded and sexist. It's just hard to motivate myself and do the work.
Everything else is just always up and down, and when my best friend/boyfriend is down, it makes me down and so sad to see him like that. Especially when there is nothing I can do.
I just want to be happy, and make everyone else happy and be the best person I can be. I'm trying so hard to do all of this and it just seems to be crushing in on me.

Can't Sleep

I can't do anything nice for anyone. I feel as if I've failed as a human. This is all real mopey and lame, but it's how I feel.
I'm not a nice person, I'm not friendly, or caring, or any good trait most people have.
Instead I'm angry, mean, hateful, and bitter. It's how I am. I hate it, and have been trying to change it for 8 months. Something has to happen because this will not go on any longer. I've already hurt the ones I love too much, and I can't do it anymore.
This has to be changed.

Monday Night

My feelings get hurt far too easily.
I am the most jealous person you will ever meet.
I am so nosey, it's not that I don't trust you, I'm just nosey. You're lying if you aren't.
I can not stand girls who are not my friends. They're horrible, it takes me way too long to enjoy another girl's company. If that even happens.
I take my anger out on people who don't deserve it.
I'm too sensative.

This is how I am, I don't all of it, but it's me. Some things won't change, and some things will. My feelings will always be easily hurt and I will always be sensative. When it comes to my feelings, they're like jello. I'm jealous because the people that I love, I want them all to myself, and I don't trust other people to respect that they have someone else who loves them. The whole thing about girls, is beyond true. Very few girls will become my friend. I'm just not down to deal with their attitudes, and slut self. It just won't happen. I'm not sure what's up with my anger? Whatever, I'm working on it. There are alot of things I don't like about myself and that I'm sure other people don't like.

Although I have alot of flaws, there are a couple of things I like about myself.
When I love someone, I give them all of my love. I protect them, and want the best for them.
I don't want anyone who has hurt them in the past to come back, even if they fixed it and apologized. You messed up, go away. Their past friends or anyone they had somthing for can just forget it. I won't like you because you once could have had the spot I now have and cherish dearly.

I'm an odd person, but everyone is like that. I'm a girl, so I WILL get jealous, and I WILL hate any girl who talks to you, that's just how it is with everyone. :) I WILL be overprotective and keep bad people or influences away from you.

I have anyone's best interet in mind, and I just want the best for them. Though it may not come across that way, it's true.

?

I guess I though I was pretty okay at helping people. But considering I get my words mixed up and things come out wrong, I think I've made a horrible mistake.
I wish I could help everyone with their problems, especially ones close to me, but I fail to be good at that. I try, and then say something stupid or get upset and just ruin everything.

Things I Want To Do

Even though summer it half way through, there are still alot of things I want to do. Well, not too many, but enough that I want to make a list of them.

Go on a Picnic

I've never been on a picnic, and I've always wanted to go on one. Either downtown or on the beach. Luckily for me, I'm going on one Wednesday with my boyfriend, Justin.

:)

Go to Ripley's Aquarium and Haunted Adventure in Myrtle Beach

I've been to the aquairum before, but it was a couple years ago, so I really want to go again. I also want to take fish eye pictures there, of the fishes ;) When I went to Myrtle Beach last summer with some of my friends, we went to Club Karma (which was extremley stupid) I saw the Haunted Adventure, and wanted to go into it real bad, so now I plan on doing it. Also, with Justin. And maybe go to one the of ridiculous put put courses they have there.

I guess I thought there were more things that I wanted to do, but apparantly not, or else I can't think of them. But if I do, I'll add them :)

Take an Amazing Jump Picture

I've always liked picture of poeple jumping, so I want to take a really good one.

I Wish

I wish I tried as hard I wanted to, and I wish I would make less excuses. I want to be the best person I can be. For myself, and for everyone else. I hate being in a bad mood around people and it rubbing off, or taking out my anger on the ones that are closest to me. They don't deserve it, and I wish they knew that I never mean it, and that I know they don't deserve it. They are the last people that would ever hurt me, and I know that, they just want the best for me. I wish I showed that I appreciated those closest to me more, and that I would do nicer things for them, and just overall be happy and cheerful towards them. I lash out at the people who are closest to me because of how close we are and because I trust them. I know it's wrong, and I wish I didn't do it, I hate it. I wish I wasn't constantly failing at trying to become a better person and trying to think before I speak and trying to become happier.

I want my wishes to become reality, and they will.

?

Why do people hurt the one that is closest to them? This seems to be a constant thing, with everyone. You'd think if they were the most important person in their life that you would never hurt them or do anything that could possibly hurt them, right? I guess it's not like that for everyone because one thing leads to another and then you hurt them.

Hurting someone you love is one of the most painfull things. You feel horrible, and regret everything instantly, and you only want to make them happy and you'll do whatever it takes to get them happy. But by then, it seems it's already too late. You've messed up and they're so angry and think that you don't care enough to be able to not hurt them. They just don't know that they mean the world to you and you would never ever hurt them intentionally. Even if you do hurt them and you know you could have prevented it, it was never intentional. It's just a matter of thinking before you make a stupid move that could end up horrible. Thinking is easy, of course, but when you panic or your mind gets caught up in everything, it's difficult to think rationally.

Some people get to date someone they found, and they're happy and have a good relationship. However, I get to date my best friend and it's the best thing in the world. I don't always think straight or take my time to think, but I need to learn how to. For the sake of me, and especially him.

Tough Love

Doesn't this picture look nice? A father and son hanging out, walking on the beach, bonding...

Oh how i wish i could have this. A father that would go the extra mile for his kid. Sure my dad pays the bills and puts food on the table but isn't that whats expected of him? Where was he when i was learning to ride a bike and i needed someone to brace my fall and brush off my scraped up knees? Where was he to show me how to throw a ball and play catch with me? Where was he before TWO of my proms to tell me i looked handsome and to take my picture? Not with me, thats where.

"Money can't buy love" they say, and it couldn't be more true. When i was in middle school i loved to go to this play that this church would put on every year. That day would have been the 3rd time my family and I would have went to it. Dinner at the restraunt was running late so it didnt look like we were going to be able to get there. As we are rushing to the church, the play has already started and my dad says, "I don't think we are going to make it." I was so upset. He thought he would make it up to me by taking me and buying me this one bb gun that I had wanted for so long. So, we get to the store, I pick it out, and he buys it for me. Weeks pass and i still hadn't shot it. He took the gun and put it in this gun lock on my wall and kept the key, to make sure i didnt shoot it by myself. Finally, he found time to take it out with me and shoot it. We went out in the woods behind my house and shot it about 10 times each and then it was over... We went home and he put it back on my wall, locked it, and took the key back. That gun still sits on my wall, dusty as hell, and only shot 20 times. He's never made time for me and the things that are important to me and that will never change...never will.

The only time we ever "spend time" together is when there is yardwork to be done or something that needs fixing, not when i want to to throw a ball or when he wants to take me out for ice cream. The only time we talk is when i've done something wrong (which apparently is all the time), not when he wants to know whats going on in my life or just to shoot the breeze. And you wonder why im never home...

So I learned something today. Apparently if you dont do things as a family it's because everything costs money. What a great excuse! Im pretty sure playing board games on friday nights doesnt cost anything.

You say this is tough love but when does the love part come in?

Everyday Bad News

But it's nothing new to me.

I hate when someone close to you is going through a rough time and you have no idea where to begin while helping them. Lately, I just feel so helpless. What with all the stress that is being thrown at me left and right, and thrown at my friends also.

I feel like no matter what I do, or what I say, I just can't help sometimes. If I could move the world and everything with it I would, if it would help someone be happy. I hate seeing close ones stressed, or sad, or feeling like giving up. It breaks my heart, and I would give anything to see them smile.

The end of the year is coming and with that comes alot of stress. Prom, projects, lasting those final days, and grades. It's alot for a teenager, too much. Money for prom is major and ridiculous and schools should just have free prom because it would save so much things, we could spend that money on something better..like butter. Anything better than prom. The last days are the roughest, it's when senioritis sets in and you can't stand being there at all.

I guess throughout life you have to go through rough patches, and getting through them is what makes you stronger for the next one. When it seems like the world is falling apart and nothing is going right for you and you want to quit and just let everything bad suck you in, that's when you have to realize you can't let it get the best of you. It may be hard, and real difficult, but it you want to be happy and not stressed, you can do it. You don't have to do it alone, someone will always be there to help you, through thick and thin. Growing up is tough, one of the worst and best times of you life. But if you can get through that you know you can get through anything.

I guess I'm just trying to say that we all have hard times, some harder than others. But what we have to realize is, everyone has that at some point. We all know how it is, and we all have ways to get through it, you will find you way to get through it, and be pround of yourself for doing it. You just have to believe in yourself and everything will fall into place when the time is right. Just alot of patience and you can get through anything you want.

See, someone is always there for you(:

Roll With the Punches!

When did life decide to get so hard? It seems that everything is being thrown at me at once and nothing could be worse. School, work, and all the little things in between, nothing seems to want to go right. My stress meter is through the roof.

So this is my school, Stratford High School, and i'll be graduating on June 6th. As that day gets closer, my life seems to get harder and harder.

Prom is this Saturday and planning for it has been one of the most stressful things i've ever had to do. Somehow we pulled it off last year in one week with little to no stress. This year on the other hand doesn't want to come easily at all. My school is awesome and wants to charge people 40 freakin bones for prom tickets. Im pretty sure it doesn't need to cost that much. I will be so relieved when it's over.

School is the most pointless thing that i have to go to right now. I have more than enough credits to graduate and the only class that i need is english 4 but stratford requires that you have 3 classes a semester at least. So what do i have to do? Force myself to go to that hell hole everyday and sit in 2 bull shit classes that i dont care about just because that is what is required of me. Graduation day can't get here fast enough.

Work is killing me because I am the only part timer there that is worth anything which means that I am expected to do everything and be awesome all the time. They schedule me when i dont want to work and dont pay me near enough.

The two things that keep me going is my girlfriend taylor who tells me to "roll with the punches cause that is really all you can do," and what is going to happen on June 13th. I get to spend a week with 5 awesome people and a baby at a beach house in Florida. Beach, Disney World, beach, tattoo (hopefully), more beach, sleep, and maybe a show will happen while we're there. I'm just ready for school to be over and to be rid of all this stress. Ugh!